A “Blast from Xanga’s Past” Production . . . .
“There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from fear and apprehension.”
Today, I awoke to a phone call from a lawyer with a quite unpleasant demeanor. My nana’s will exists, but cannot be found. The rich suits have washed their hands clean of the reasons they must pound shots of vodka and pop Lunesta in order to sleep at night.
“One of these is YESTERDAY, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever and is beyond our control.”
Today, I called my aunt. Now that I have found the paperwork to get said affairs in order, I’ve asked her for the mortgage records, and my nana’s W2’s. I need to track down a will, in order to prove that I OWN THE HOUSE SHE IS TRYING TO SELL. She can’t sell it unless it’s in her name. I cannot stop the bank from throwing her incompetent ass on the street WITHOUT TRACKING DOWN THE WILL. She will not make payments. She refuses to cooperate. I have a check coming that could possibly salvage the estate, IF we can prevent it from going to probate. TODAY, I have to make plans for tomorrow to face her, to face her abusive boyfriend. Today, I prepare for the unknown of tomorrow.
“All the money in the world cannot bring back YESTERDAY. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone beyond recall.”
Today, my father and I have a talk. This is regarding the fact that he is no longer my guy friend drinking buddy. The fact that he needs to grow up, be a 58 year old man, and be a father. This is the continuance of the ultimatum made two weeks ago, during a fist fight that resulted in him attempting to choke me. But of course, I, being the immature, overdramatic cunt that I am, did not call the police. I do not trust him. I will not let this happen again.
“The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and perhaps its poor performance. TOMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.”
Today I deal with a phone stalker. He sends a text, AGAIN, “I miss you.” He has harassed me for two years now. This is the first time I’ve replied in a year. My previous responses consisted of “LEAVE ME ALONE”, “FUCK OFF”, “GO AWAY”, and “DELETE MY NUMBER”. Today I reply, “LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE” x 10. Him: “I love u so much . . . im dying without you . . . i will never ever ever even think of hurting you . . . im sooo sorry”. Me: “I DON’T MISS YOU”. “I DON’T LOVE YOU.” “I DON’T NEED YOU.” “YOU’RE A FUCKING ANNOYANCE.” “DROP DEAD.” “FUCK OFF.” “LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.” “I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT.” Him: Its not shit . . . this i sware to you . . . i need you”. Me: “GO AWAY.” “STOP.” “GET A LIFE.” “GET THE POINT AND DELETE MY FUCKING NUMBER NOW.” “RIGHT NOW.” Him: “I can’t do that”. “How can i prove to you how much i love you”. Me: “You can leave me the fuck alone and stop causing stress in my life. I want NOTHING to do with you, and NOTHING, I reiterate, NOTHING, will EVER, EVER change that.” Him: “I have to make that change . . . i want to spend the rest of my life with you . . . and only you . . . i love you”. I’ve FUCKING HAD IT WITH THIS BULLSHIT. I FINALLY figured out how to block his number, and thank God he doesn’t know where I live.
“TOMORROW’S sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds- but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.”
Today I look into my boyfriends eyes, after I unload my mind and request immediate, distractional, very hot sex. Today I realize that I have the best man I’ve ever known. He holds me up, yet puts up with my shit enough to let me stand on my own two Bebe accentuated feet. Today I channel my anger into something better. Today I feel smarter, stronger, wiser, for what it’s worth. Today I know that if I take charge RIGHT NOW, in this moment, the future will never require worry.
“This leaves only one day- TODAY. Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you add the burden of those two awful eternities- YESTERDAY and TOMORROW, that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives men mad. It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY or the dread of what TOMORROW may bring.”
“Let us, therefore, do our best but to live one day at a time.”